It's been a while since I've last posted an update about my life. I missed my journal and especially, I missed letting my inner and personal self blog for me. I never really ignored my site. In fact, I've been using Multiply and my other sites a lot lately 'cause I've been posting stuffs I liked which I got from random blog sites from random blog rolls. But aside from that, there was never really a chance where I was able to blog about some of my personal stuffs.

Expressing what I really feel has been hard for me lately. Months have passed by and I can say that nothing has changed for me. I still have no job, I still weigh the same, (I mean, much). I still haven't had the one explanation I've been asking for the past year, I still haven't had the enough motivation to go on with my life and lastly, I still haven't moved on from what he did to me. My life has been a mess for the past six months already and I think, it's still counting. Sad reality, yes. I can say that my strength these past few days were slowly decreasing and living each day of my life is getting harder and tougher as time goes by. I clearly know that I can never really blame anyone for all this mess in my life. Though I can shout to the world that these all started when he left me, I know that letting myself remain in this exact place is still my choice after all. I really envy those people who are strong, those who can stand in their own and those who are able to live their lives to the fullest. I envy them 'cause even if they're experiencing those fucking anxieties, they're still able to adjust and go on with their lives unlike me. (If only I'll be given the chance to be born again, I would not choose to be what I am today. Honestly.) My anxieties has always been a hindrance to me and until now, I still don't know how to manage them. Sadly, being a Psych major's not helping me. :|

This is the first time I'm gonna write about this topic 'cause I've been really trying to repress this certain part of my life all this time. It's been hard for me admitting this 'cause of others' expectations about me. I never really want to dwell much in this but life's always making me feel such. I always try to be in a positive note just to feel better. But every effort I had never seemed enough for me to be able to succeed and every situation makes me feel more inferior to others. It's like I'm stuck in this place forever and even I can't help myself to go on.

I really do not know what to do. As of now, I'm just letting time pass me by. I hope someday I can find the courage I badly need to be able to succeed. :[

"Minsan hindi naman nila sinasadyang agawan tayo. Siguro dapat tanggapin na lang na masaya na sila at maging masaya na lang tayo para sa kanila."

It's true. So true. :I I got this one from the status message of their friend in Facebook which I firmly believe to be dedicated to me.

To tell you guys honestly, I believe in the essence of this message, whether it's for me or not or whether it was posted just to ruin my day. I believe in it's meaning, that God has His own plans for each and everyone of us and that things are bound to happen if they really are. I believe that we must accept such things, let go and most importantly, be happy for those people even if they hurt us badly.

But I also believe in another thing that is opposite to that. I also believe that there's no such thing as 'hindi sinasadyang agawan'. Things happen because we chose and want them to happen. God gave us the will to choose what we want in our lives whether it's right or wrong, to hurt others or to care for them. I do believe that things happen to us for some reasons we do not know and that we should accept their occurrence. But for me, everything is also a matter of respect. Respect in the sense that we must also put in mind the welfare of other people and not just our own. If we really want someone/something, we should "get" it in a way that we won't hurt other people. We should work for it hard enough to deserve it and should do it in a nicer way so that even if we got to hurt other people, we won't feel that much guilt in our hearts and we can be real proud of what we've got.

Life is survival of the fittest. I agree with that. But I also believe that life is not just all about that. Life is also about being selfless and having concern for other people no matter who they are or what they've done to us. (That's why the words love, cooperation, concern and care are included in the dictionary. ) That no matter how much we want to get something, we must put in mind the welfare of others all the time. I think, it's also a sign of maturity to be emphatic and not indifferent of others' feelings. Human beings are created by God to help one another and not to destroy each other. We are not alone in this world and whether or not we like it, each of us is made for one another that's why we have no choice but to relate with them. :)

[Naiintindihan ko naman si Nessa eh. Siguro kung ako man ang makaramdam nung mga bagay na yun, ganun din ang gagawin ko. Sana na lang she acted fairly and maturely, knowing the fact that she's older than us. Sana na lang hindi sya naging makasarili at indifferent. But what can I do? Everything has already happened, a lot has already changed. And after all, sya pa rin naman yung nanalo eh, wala na akong magagawa pa dun.]

~Cheesy much? TAE. =))

After I Say Goodbye
by Jessica Lynn Tibbott

  It’s time for me to say goodbye.
For you, no more tears will I cry.
I love you enough to know,
It’s time for me to let you go.
The memories I’ll always have,
the ring, I’ll always wear.
You’ll always be a part of me
Even if your no longer here.
I wish you the best in
your journey of life.
I hope things go well.
Promise not to forget me,
After I say… farewell.
Know in your heart
I love you still…
But for you;
Waiting no longer, will I.
I’ll miss you much,
I’ll want you here.
But I no longer fear the world
without you here.
I’ll meet new people,
I’ll have new loves.
But no one will be able to replace
the great times I had with you.
I was your girl;
I was your escape;
I was your love…
But I can no longer fake
the fact that I am… no longer.
Strength has come,
the will to push on.
Through the years ahead
I will remember.
And I will smile knowing that
Once… I was loved by you.

Moving on… Where do I even begin? It is amazing how those two simple words are so hard to actually accomplish. It still makes me weak at the thought of what was. I have learned that you cannot plan futures. Who am I to predict what is going to happen? I made future plans with my ex only to have a heart full of sorrow and so many broken dreams. I know that he is with someone else and it’s killing me inside. How can it just be that easy for him? Does he not understand that I am sitting here thinking about him constantly? Does he seem to forget the tears in my eyes that I cry? I just don’t understand.

It is like I am a distant memory to him. His memory is still so vivid in my mind. I still lay with just enough room on his side of the bed. I refuse to wash the pillow cases he slept on because they still bare his smell. I refuse to give him back his favorite t-shirt because I sleep with it. At night, I still wake up thinking he is beside me only to realize that I am alone. I still cry when our songs come on the radio. I try to avoid going to the places we used to go to. But, it seems like no matter what road I take, in this whole city, I end up
passing a place where we used to go.    

The memories are draining me. The thoughts are torturing me. The letters feel like pins and needles in my heart. All of the time invested, all of those kisses, all of those special moments, and all of those nights…gone. I want to hate him for leaving me all alone. I want to have one day of peace without his memory. But, I know that I still love him. I wish I wasn’t loving him as much as I do. But no matter how hard I try, my heart is still in the palm of his hands. He has gone on with his life and I am still trying to pick up the mess he
left behind. The life I worked so hard to build for us is gone.

It's been a while since I've last posted an update about my life. I missed my journal and especially, I missed letting my inner and personal self blog for me. I never really ignored my site. In fact, I've been using Multiply and my other sites a lot lately 'cause I've been posting stuffs I liked which I got from random blog sites from random blog rolls. But aside from that, there was never really a chance where I was able to blog about some of my personal stuffs.

Expressing what I really feel has been hard for me lately. Months have passed by and I can say that nothing has changed for me. I still have no job, I still weigh the same, (I mean, much). I still haven't had the one explanation I've been asking for the past year, I still haven't had the enough motivation to go on with my life and lastly, I still haven't moved on from what he did to me. My life has been a mess for the past six months already and I think, it's still counting. Sad reality, yes. I can say that my strength these past few days were slowly decreasing and living each day of my life is getting harder and tougher as time goes by. I clearly know that I can never really blame anyone for all this mess in my life. Though I can shout to the world that these all started when he left me, I know that letting myself remain in this exact place is still my choice after all. I really envy those people who are strong, those who can stand in their own and those who are able to live their lives to the fullest. I envy them 'cause even if they're experiencing those fucking anxieties, they're still able to adjust and go on with their lives unlike me. (If only I'll be given the chance to be born again, I would not choose to be what I am today. Honestly.) My anxieties has always been a hindrance to me and until now, I still don't know how to manage them. Sadly, being a Psych major's not helping me. :|

This is the first time I'm gonna write about this topic 'cause I've been really trying to repress this certain part of my life all this time. It's been hard for me admitting this 'cause of others' expectations about me. I never really want to dwell much in this but life's always making me feel such. I always try to be in a positive note just to feel better. But every effort I had never seemed enough for me to be able to succeed and every situation makes me feel more inferior to others. It's like I'm stuck in this place forever and even I can't help myself to go on.

I really do not know what to do. As of now, I'm just letting time pass me by. I hope someday I can find the courage I badly need to be able to succeed. :[

"Minsan hindi naman nila sinasadyang agawan tayo. Siguro dapat tanggapin na lang na masaya na sila at maging masaya na lang tayo para sa kanila."

It's true. So true. :I I got this one from the status message of their friend in Facebook which I firmly believe to be dedicated to me.

To tell you guys honestly, I believe in the essence of this message, whether it's for me or not or whether it was posted just to ruin my day. I believe in it's meaning, that God has His own plans for each and everyone of us and that things are bound to happen if they really are. I believe that we must accept such things, let go and most importantly, be happy for those people even if they hurt us badly.

But I also believe in another thing that is opposite to that. I also believe that there's no such thing as 'hindi sinasadyang agawan'. Things happen because we chose and want them to happen. God gave us the will to choose what we want in our lives whether it's right or wrong, to hurt others or to care for them. I do believe that things happen to us for some reasons we do not know and that we should accept their occurrence. But for me, everything is also a matter of respect. Respect in the sense that we must also put in mind the welfare of other people and not just our own. If we really want someone/something, we should "get" it in a way that we won't hurt other people. We should work for it hard enough to deserve it and should do it in a nicer way so that even if we got to hurt other people, we won't feel that much guilt in our hearts and we can be real proud of what we've got.

Life is survival of the fittest. I agree with that. But I also believe that life is not just all about that. Life is also about being selfless and having concern for other people no matter who they are or what they've done to us. (That's why the words love, cooperation, concern and care are included in the dictionary. ) That no matter how much we want to get something, we must put in mind the welfare of others all the time. I think, it's also a sign of maturity to be emphatic and not indifferent of others' feelings. Human beings are created by God to help one another and not to destroy each other. We are not alone in this world and whether or not we like it, each of us is made for one another that's why we have no choice but to relate with them. :)

[Naiintindihan ko naman si Nessa eh. Siguro kung ako man ang makaramdam nung mga bagay na yun, ganun din ang gagawin ko. Sana na lang she acted fairly and maturely, knowing the fact that she's older than us. Sana na lang hindi sya naging makasarili at indifferent. But what can I do? Everything has already happened, a lot has already changed. And after all, sya pa rin naman yung nanalo eh, wala na akong magagawa pa dun.]

~Cheesy much? TAE. =))

After I Say Goodbye
by Jessica Lynn Tibbott

  It’s time for me to say goodbye.
For you, no more tears will I cry.
I love you enough to know,
It’s time for me to let you go.
The memories I’ll always have,
the ring, I’ll always wear.
You’ll always be a part of me
Even if your no longer here.
I wish you the best in
your journey of life.
I hope things go well.
Promise not to forget me,
After I say… farewell.
Know in your heart
I love you still…
But for you;
Waiting no longer, will I.
I’ll miss you much,
I’ll want you here.
But I no longer fear the world
without you here.
I’ll meet new people,
I’ll have new loves.
But no one will be able to replace
the great times I had with you.
I was your girl;
I was your escape;
I was your love…
But I can no longer fake
the fact that I am… no longer.
Strength has come,
the will to push on.
Through the years ahead
I will remember.
And I will smile knowing that
Once… I was loved by you.

Moving on… Where do I even begin? It is amazing how those two simple words are so hard to actually accomplish. It still makes me weak at the thought of what was. I have learned that you cannot plan futures. Who am I to predict what is going to happen? I made future plans with my ex only to have a heart full of sorrow and so many broken dreams. I know that he is with someone else and it’s killing me inside. How can it just be that easy for him? Does he not understand that I am sitting here thinking about him constantly? Does he seem to forget the tears in my eyes that I cry? I just don’t understand.

It is like I am a distant memory to him. His memory is still so vivid in my mind. I still lay with just enough room on his side of the bed. I refuse to wash the pillow cases he slept on because they still bare his smell. I refuse to give him back his favorite t-shirt because I sleep with it. At night, I still wake up thinking he is beside me only to realize that I am alone. I still cry when our songs come on the radio. I try to avoid going to the places we used to go to. But, it seems like no matter what road I take, in this whole city, I end up
passing a place where we used to go.    

The memories are draining me. The thoughts are torturing me. The letters feel like pins and needles in my heart. All of the time invested, all of those kisses, all of those special moments, and all of those nights…gone. I want to hate him for leaving me all alone. I want to have one day of peace without his memory. But, I know that I still love him. I wish I wasn’t loving him as much as I do. But no matter how hard I try, my heart is still in the palm of his hands. He has gone on with his life and I am still trying to pick up the mess he
left behind. The life I worked so hard to build for us is gone.