For the nth time, umasa na naman ako. For the nth time, nasaktan na naman ako. For the nth time, nagmukha na naman akong tanga. For the nth time, binasura na naman ako. At higit sa lahat, for the nth time, nagpagago ako. Naiinis ako sa sarili ko kasi sa dinami dami ng mga pagkakataong naramdaman ko yung ganitong bagay nang dahil sa kanya, andito pa rin ako, pinipilit kong ayusin yung lahat. Pinipilit kong papaniwalain yung sarili ko na kahit papanu, mei pag-asa pang maayus yung mga bagay bagay na super sira na pala. People have warned me not to go. People told me that I should think twice before I make a decision. Pero anung ginawa ko? Nakinig ba ako? Sumunod ba ako? Hindi. Kaya eto, pinipilit ko na namang bumangon sa sobrang pagkakadapa ko. Mei natitira pa ba para sa sarili ko? Hindi ko alam.

Bakit ganun? Gusto ko lang namang maging masaya eh. Pero sa tuwing nagkakaroon ng pagkakataon para makuha ko yung bagay na yun, kung hindi nauudlot, kabaligtaran yung nakukuha ko. Ganun na lang ba talaga lahat yun??

Hindi ko alam kung anung motibo nya sa lahat ng ginagawa nya. Pero sana matapos na talaga to. PAGOD NA PAGOD NA AKO. Sana naman maawa sya sakin. :'(

I went to ECS yesterday because I was really planning to follow-up my BIR thingy until I realized that it was Sir Philip's and Nurse Annica's birthday that day. We were invited pala sa celebration ni Sir Philip sa house nila sa Paco. We waited for him to fetch us at ECS since we didn't know how to get there. Sir Philip arrived at around 6pm na din. So we went there with Teacher Lalon, Ma'am Licel, Ma'am Doris, Nurse Nhickz and Sir Jerome. We had our dinner there at around 8 pm kasi nagkantahan pa kami ng mga kaEMOhan na kanta at syempre, kasama na dun ang mga seryosohang usapan about ECS as usual. Hehehe Kasama na rin dun ang mga pang-aasar na ginawa ng mga tao sakin specifically, Sir Philip and Teacher Lalon. After dinner, triny namin uminom ng tig-iisang shot ng IDK na wine. Super lakas ng effect nya kahit super onti lang ng ininum namin. As in. After that wine, we drunk San Mig Light naman na hindi namin naubos 'cause we need to go home na dahil sa NCAE and work kinabukasan. :) Before umuwi, tumugtog pa si Sir Philip and kumanta si Sir Miller ng "Ikaw" and "So Close" for the finale. Nice songs and nice voices. Aww. :) Got home at around 10:30 pm nang walang paalamanan sa Mama ko. Haha nawiwiling magpalate ng uwi huh? :P

Back to "mga pang-aasar" thing. Si Sir Jerome (new teacher sa ECS) yung taong inaasar nila sakin. Haha actually, this post is really intended to officially introduce Sir Jerome Neypes to my life. Hahaha :)) Jokeness! Amp. There's this one new teacher kasi sa ECS, isa sa mga pumalit samin, na nagngangalang Jerome. I met him only twice. First was when I visited ECS last June and second was when we had dinner at Rob one time. After that dinner in Rob, I asked Ma'am Doris if she can ask for Jerome's number for me. Hehe I didn't like him naman that time. I just thought that maybe he's interesting. Days have passed without me having his number yet until one time I recieved a text message (a quote) from a certain Smart number. Tinanung ko alot of times kung sinu ba yung may ari nung number na yun kasi ayaw magpakilala until yesterday, nalaman ko na si SIr Jerome pala yun. Nurse Annica told me na she gave my number to Sir Jerome and siya nga daw yung nagtetext na yun and nahihiya lang magpakilala. So I texted him and told him na alam ko na kung sinu sya. We texted for about 3 times lang yesterday hanggang sa nagpunta na nga ako ng ECS. I didn't know na kasama pala sya sa bday celeb. ni Sir Philip pero talagang pinilit ko kina Nurse na sana makasama sya 'cause honestly I want to bond with him kahit nde naman kami close. Ahaha (Malandi kasi. :P) Kaso nung papunta na kami kina SIr, talagang walang tigil yung mga pang-aasar nila sakin sa kanya. Nakakahiya talaga pero gusto ko rin kasi syempre. Hahaha hanggang nung makarating na kami sa kanila and nung pauwi na, pinipilit nilang ipahatid ako sa house kay Sir kasi nga super late na din. Hindi makasagot tong si Sir Jerome kina SIr Philip kasi syempre, ang layo kaya ng house nya and late na din. And nde naman talaga kami friends eh, nde kami close so why nya ako ihahatid di ba? They left the two of us together sa sakayan ng jeep. So nung kami na lang 2, I insisted na din na ako na lang mag-isa kasi nakakahiya naman sa kanya eh. Syempre gusto nya yun kaya nung mei jeep na na dumating, I immediately rode it and went home.

When I arrived sa house, I texted him and told him na pasensya na sa mga pang-aasar nung mga co-teachers namin sa min. I asked him also if he has a girlfriend ba for some reasons na syempre obvious naman. Wahahaha :)) He replied and said na meron nga daw, yung bestfriend nya kaya ayun, bottomline ng kwento, BROKEN NA NAMAN AKO. Huhuhu :(( Wala pa nga, broken na. Aww.

Ewan ko ba. When I heard that last night, I realized some things. Na bakit kaya palagi na lang akong nasasaktan? I mean, syempre hindi pa to yung super duper serious na "sakit" pero kumabaga, wala pa ngang nangyayari, wala na agad. Yung tipong, ang gusto mo lang naman eh magmahal pero yung taong gusto mong subukang mahalin, nde naman pwede. Magmamahal ka na nga, masasaktan ka pa ng sobra. Nasaktan ka na nga, masasaktan ka pa ulit. Cycle ba yun? Paulit-ulit? So ngayun, wala. Kahit anung hanap ko, wala. Kahit anung pagpipigil ko, wala. Saklap.

Yes, I'm pissed about everything he is but still I chose to go back to the past and relive those days we've had before. I just went to his Ate's and their house this afternoon and had a bunch of reminiscing about the past with his family and had some stuffs we've used to do before. I missed them so much, really. I missed how the days were, especially those times when we were doing "tambays" in their place and everything. I suddenly remembered how the past had happened and realized that there's really still something left for him here in my heart. I just realized that I really won't be able to easily forget him even though I've tried so much about doing it already. When I went there, I felt the feeling I've used to feel before, when things were so right and okay for the both of us. I felt those same feelings I had every time I visit their place and his family. When I went there, I remembered how I feel about him and how much this heart of mine valued him, even after those bullshit things he did to me. But I also remembered that I am now living in the present and that I cannot go back to those same old stuffs again. I realized that nothing will ever happen to us again especially with our relationship and that everything we've had before is now just a part of the thing called PAST.

A visit to their place was fun 'cause I felt that the people there still love me. How I wish he knows that my family also loves him and will surely take him back if he'll just try to. :'(

He saw his name. He saw his pics. He now know how i feel about him. It's stupid, really. 'Cause it will never really lead to anything else. Once again, I fell and once again, I am down. I don't know how to stand up from this. I don't know how to erase everything from my mind. Twice I fell in love and twice I was hurt. Hurt for reasons I have never understand. Hurt for reasons never explained to me. And here I am again, feeling the same for someone who would just surely hurt me. Things keep on asking me. Why do i always fall for someone whom i can never have, even for a friend? Is this my destiny? Am I just meant to be walking on these streets alone?

It's a good feeling knowing you're in love but is it still a good feeling to know that you're in love - in love with someone whom you can never ever have?

I just realized that I am now slowly getting back to the old me, exactly 3 years ago. I don't know if I should like this feeling or not, or if this whole thing is healthy for me. Yes, it's good in a way because through this I am able to forget him and I am starting to refocus my attention again on something else. But I am being held back because I really cannot say if this "something else" would benefit me or would just let me fall all over again just like what happened to me years ago. I am confused. I like what I am currently feeling and at the same time I also hate it much. I like it but I am afraid that feeling this would make me so much hurt again. Hurt again because it's very clear that this would never really lead to something else - as usual. I want to risk but I am afraid to risk that "everything" we are just starting to have lately. I want to forget and move on again but I am afraid to be back to that old "someone" and remember my feelings for him. :(

For the nth time, umasa na naman ako. For the nth time, nasaktan na naman ako. For the nth time, nagmukha na naman akong tanga. For the nth time, binasura na naman ako. At higit sa lahat, for the nth time, nagpagago ako. Naiinis ako sa sarili ko kasi sa dinami dami ng mga pagkakataong naramdaman ko yung ganitong bagay nang dahil sa kanya, andito pa rin ako, pinipilit kong ayusin yung lahat. Pinipilit kong papaniwalain yung sarili ko na kahit papanu, mei pag-asa pang maayus yung mga bagay bagay na super sira na pala. People have warned me not to go. People told me that I should think twice before I make a decision. Pero anung ginawa ko? Nakinig ba ako? Sumunod ba ako? Hindi. Kaya eto, pinipilit ko na namang bumangon sa sobrang pagkakadapa ko. Mei natitira pa ba para sa sarili ko? Hindi ko alam.

Bakit ganun? Gusto ko lang namang maging masaya eh. Pero sa tuwing nagkakaroon ng pagkakataon para makuha ko yung bagay na yun, kung hindi nauudlot, kabaligtaran yung nakukuha ko. Ganun na lang ba talaga lahat yun??

Hindi ko alam kung anung motibo nya sa lahat ng ginagawa nya. Pero sana matapos na talaga to. PAGOD NA PAGOD NA AKO. Sana naman maawa sya sakin. :'(

I went to ECS yesterday because I was really planning to follow-up my BIR thingy until I realized that it was Sir Philip's and Nurse Annica's birthday that day. We were invited pala sa celebration ni Sir Philip sa house nila sa Paco. We waited for him to fetch us at ECS since we didn't know how to get there. Sir Philip arrived at around 6pm na din. So we went there with Teacher Lalon, Ma'am Licel, Ma'am Doris, Nurse Nhickz and Sir Jerome. We had our dinner there at around 8 pm kasi nagkantahan pa kami ng mga kaEMOhan na kanta at syempre, kasama na dun ang mga seryosohang usapan about ECS as usual. Hehehe Kasama na rin dun ang mga pang-aasar na ginawa ng mga tao sakin specifically, Sir Philip and Teacher Lalon. After dinner, triny namin uminom ng tig-iisang shot ng IDK na wine. Super lakas ng effect nya kahit super onti lang ng ininum namin. As in. After that wine, we drunk San Mig Light naman na hindi namin naubos 'cause we need to go home na dahil sa NCAE and work kinabukasan. :) Before umuwi, tumugtog pa si Sir Philip and kumanta si Sir Miller ng "Ikaw" and "So Close" for the finale. Nice songs and nice voices. Aww. :) Got home at around 10:30 pm nang walang paalamanan sa Mama ko. Haha nawiwiling magpalate ng uwi huh? :P

Back to "mga pang-aasar" thing. Si Sir Jerome (new teacher sa ECS) yung taong inaasar nila sakin. Haha actually, this post is really intended to officially introduce Sir Jerome Neypes to my life. Hahaha :)) Jokeness! Amp. There's this one new teacher kasi sa ECS, isa sa mga pumalit samin, na nagngangalang Jerome. I met him only twice. First was when I visited ECS last June and second was when we had dinner at Rob one time. After that dinner in Rob, I asked Ma'am Doris if she can ask for Jerome's number for me. Hehe I didn't like him naman that time. I just thought that maybe he's interesting. Days have passed without me having his number yet until one time I recieved a text message (a quote) from a certain Smart number. Tinanung ko alot of times kung sinu ba yung may ari nung number na yun kasi ayaw magpakilala until yesterday, nalaman ko na si SIr Jerome pala yun. Nurse Annica told me na she gave my number to Sir Jerome and siya nga daw yung nagtetext na yun and nahihiya lang magpakilala. So I texted him and told him na alam ko na kung sinu sya. We texted for about 3 times lang yesterday hanggang sa nagpunta na nga ako ng ECS. I didn't know na kasama pala sya sa bday celeb. ni Sir Philip pero talagang pinilit ko kina Nurse na sana makasama sya 'cause honestly I want to bond with him kahit nde naman kami close. Ahaha (Malandi kasi. :P) Kaso nung papunta na kami kina SIr, talagang walang tigil yung mga pang-aasar nila sakin sa kanya. Nakakahiya talaga pero gusto ko rin kasi syempre. Hahaha hanggang nung makarating na kami sa kanila and nung pauwi na, pinipilit nilang ipahatid ako sa house kay Sir kasi nga super late na din. Hindi makasagot tong si Sir Jerome kina SIr Philip kasi syempre, ang layo kaya ng house nya and late na din. And nde naman talaga kami friends eh, nde kami close so why nya ako ihahatid di ba? They left the two of us together sa sakayan ng jeep. So nung kami na lang 2, I insisted na din na ako na lang mag-isa kasi nakakahiya naman sa kanya eh. Syempre gusto nya yun kaya nung mei jeep na na dumating, I immediately rode it and went home.

When I arrived sa house, I texted him and told him na pasensya na sa mga pang-aasar nung mga co-teachers namin sa min. I asked him also if he has a girlfriend ba for some reasons na syempre obvious naman. Wahahaha :)) He replied and said na meron nga daw, yung bestfriend nya kaya ayun, bottomline ng kwento, BROKEN NA NAMAN AKO. Huhuhu :(( Wala pa nga, broken na. Aww.

Ewan ko ba. When I heard that last night, I realized some things. Na bakit kaya palagi na lang akong nasasaktan? I mean, syempre hindi pa to yung super duper serious na "sakit" pero kumabaga, wala pa ngang nangyayari, wala na agad. Yung tipong, ang gusto mo lang naman eh magmahal pero yung taong gusto mong subukang mahalin, nde naman pwede. Magmamahal ka na nga, masasaktan ka pa ng sobra. Nasaktan ka na nga, masasaktan ka pa ulit. Cycle ba yun? Paulit-ulit? So ngayun, wala. Kahit anung hanap ko, wala. Kahit anung pagpipigil ko, wala. Saklap.

Yes, I'm pissed about everything he is but still I chose to go back to the past and relive those days we've had before. I just went to his Ate's and their house this afternoon and had a bunch of reminiscing about the past with his family and had some stuffs we've used to do before. I missed them so much, really. I missed how the days were, especially those times when we were doing "tambays" in their place and everything. I suddenly remembered how the past had happened and realized that there's really still something left for him here in my heart. I just realized that I really won't be able to easily forget him even though I've tried so much about doing it already. When I went there, I felt the feeling I've used to feel before, when things were so right and okay for the both of us. I felt those same feelings I had every time I visit their place and his family. When I went there, I remembered how I feel about him and how much this heart of mine valued him, even after those bullshit things he did to me. But I also remembered that I am now living in the present and that I cannot go back to those same old stuffs again. I realized that nothing will ever happen to us again especially with our relationship and that everything we've had before is now just a part of the thing called PAST.

A visit to their place was fun 'cause I felt that the people there still love me. How I wish he knows that my family also loves him and will surely take him back if he'll just try to. :'(

He saw his name. He saw his pics. He now know how i feel about him. It's stupid, really. 'Cause it will never really lead to anything else. Once again, I fell and once again, I am down. I don't know how to stand up from this. I don't know how to erase everything from my mind. Twice I fell in love and twice I was hurt. Hurt for reasons I have never understand. Hurt for reasons never explained to me. And here I am again, feeling the same for someone who would just surely hurt me. Things keep on asking me. Why do i always fall for someone whom i can never have, even for a friend? Is this my destiny? Am I just meant to be walking on these streets alone?

It's a good feeling knowing you're in love but is it still a good feeling to know that you're in love - in love with someone whom you can never ever have?

I just realized that I am now slowly getting back to the old me, exactly 3 years ago. I don't know if I should like this feeling or not, or if this whole thing is healthy for me. Yes, it's good in a way because through this I am able to forget him and I am starting to refocus my attention again on something else. But I am being held back because I really cannot say if this "something else" would benefit me or would just let me fall all over again just like what happened to me years ago. I am confused. I like what I am currently feeling and at the same time I also hate it much. I like it but I am afraid that feeling this would make me so much hurt again. Hurt again because it's very clear that this would never really lead to something else - as usual. I want to risk but I am afraid to risk that "everything" we are just starting to have lately. I want to forget and move on again but I am afraid to be back to that old "someone" and remember my feelings for him. :(